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Message: <blockquote data-quote="Topper" data-source="post: 171324" data-attributes="member: 186250">[1] Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."  - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter).[2] I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.  But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue:  "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." - Eleanor Roosevelt.[3] Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain.[4] The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. - George Burns.[5] Santa Claus has the right idea.  Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge.[6] Be careful about reading health books.  You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain.[7] What would men be without women?  Scarce, sir…mighty scarce. - Mark Twain.[8] By all means, marry.  If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates.[9] I was married by a judge.  I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx.[10] My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.  Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante.[11] The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. - Jilly Cooper.[12] I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa ZsaGabor.[13] Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine.[14] Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.  The world owes you nothing.  It was here first.  - Mark Twain.[15] My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. -Ed Furgol[16] Money can't buy you happiness . . . but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.  - Spike Milligan.[17] What's the use of happiness?  It can't buy you money.  - Henny Youngman.[18] I am opposed to millionaires . .but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.  - Mark Twain.[19] Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up. - Joe Namath.[20] Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.  - Herbert Henry Asquith.[21] I don't feel old.  I don't feel anything until noon.  Then it's time for my nap.  - Bob Hope.[22] I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.  - WC Fields[23] We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers.[24] Don't worry about avoiding temptation . . . as you grow older, it will avoid you. - W. Churchill.[25] Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty . . . but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. - Phyllis Diller.[26] The cardiologist's diet:  If it tastes good spit it out. - Unknown.[27] By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal[28] A woman says to him, "if I were married to you, I would poison your coffee" and he replies, "if you were my wife, I'd drink it". - Sir Winston Churchill</blockquote>

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