- Joined
- Nov 18, 2004
- Messages
- 24,010
- Reaction score
- 4,024
- Points
- 113
- Age
- 70
- My Satellite Setup
- Has gone to a good home elsewhere
- My Location
- Blackburn, Lancashire
A history teacher asks a class full of kids 'What was Churchill famous for?'
A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last white man to be called Winston!'
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Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ?
Everybody won.
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What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
About 2.3 pounds including the urn.
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Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans.
Got through to a call centre in Asia .
Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane.....
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A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says 'Show me it's true what they say about black men'... So he stabbed her and nicked her purse.
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I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...
'Oi, what's your disability?'
I said 'Tourette's! Now f**k off!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.
'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks.
'Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids' she says.
The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says 'Are you the bird I shagged on my stag night, whilst your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?'
'No' she replies 'I'm your son's English teacher!'
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What's the difference between Harold Shipman and David Cameron?
Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.
He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.
She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'.
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Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees Sister Rose washing the kitchen floor. He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground. As he's shagging her the Rev Mother comes in.
'SISTER ROSE!!!' she roars 'Have some respect. Arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!'
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Tampax are changing their design they are replacing the string with a piece of tinsel ..... This is for the Christmas period only!
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A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'.
His wife replies 'You've got a bigger knob than your brother'
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THE FOREHEAD DOT
Finally, someone has explained this.
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian High Commission in London , has recently revealed the true story.
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he's won a corner shop, a petrol station, a curry restaurant, or a taxi cab in the UK. If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with computer technical support.
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There was a perfect man and a perfect woman. They met each other at a perfect party. They dated for two perfect years. They had the perfect wedding and the perfect honeymoon. They had two perfect children.
One day the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving in their perfect car. They saw an elf by the side of the road and, being the perfect people, they were they picked him up.
Well, as the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving with the elf, somehow they got into an accident. Two died and one lived.
Who died and who lived?
The perfect woman, because the perfect man and elves aren’t real.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Following a shipwreck, the following group of people found themselves stranded on a beautiful desert island:
Two Italian men and one Italian woman
Two French men and one French woman
Two German men and one German woman
Two Greek men and one Greek woman
Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
Two American men and one American woman
Two English men and one English woman
Two Irish men and one Irish woman
One month later, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man has killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage-a-trois.
The two German men have established a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cooking and cleaning for them.
The two Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean then a long look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a herbal pharmacy, a take-away and a laundry and have got the Chinese woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their enterprises.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman is constantly complaining about her body, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the necessity of fulfilment the equal division of household chores, how palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn’t raining.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if s_x is in the equation because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey and beating the crap out of each other. But they’re happy because at least the English aren’t having any fun!
A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last white man to be called Winston!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ?
Everybody won.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
About 2.3 pounds including the urn.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans.
Got through to a call centre in Asia .
Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane.....
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says 'Show me it's true what they say about black men'... So he stabbed her and nicked her purse.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...
'Oi, what's your disability?'
I said 'Tourette's! Now f**k off!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.
'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks.
'Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids' she says.
The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says 'Are you the bird I shagged on my stag night, whilst your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?'
'No' she replies 'I'm your son's English teacher!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between Harold Shipman and David Cameron?
Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.
He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.
She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees Sister Rose washing the kitchen floor. He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground. As he's shagging her the Rev Mother comes in.
'SISTER ROSE!!!' she roars 'Have some respect. Arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tampax are changing their design they are replacing the string with a piece of tinsel ..... This is for the Christmas period only!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'.
His wife replies 'You've got a bigger knob than your brother'
-----------------------------------------------------------------
THE FOREHEAD DOT
Finally, someone has explained this.
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian High Commission in London , has recently revealed the true story.
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he's won a corner shop, a petrol station, a curry restaurant, or a taxi cab in the UK. If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with computer technical support.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a perfect man and a perfect woman. They met each other at a perfect party. They dated for two perfect years. They had the perfect wedding and the perfect honeymoon. They had two perfect children.
One day the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving in their perfect car. They saw an elf by the side of the road and, being the perfect people, they were they picked him up.
Well, as the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving with the elf, somehow they got into an accident. Two died and one lived.
Who died and who lived?
The perfect woman, because the perfect man and elves aren’t real.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Following a shipwreck, the following group of people found themselves stranded on a beautiful desert island:
Two Italian men and one Italian woman
Two French men and one French woman
Two German men and one German woman
Two Greek men and one Greek woman
Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
Two American men and one American woman
Two English men and one English woman
Two Irish men and one Irish woman
One month later, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man has killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage-a-trois.
The two German men have established a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cooking and cleaning for them.
The two Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean then a long look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a herbal pharmacy, a take-away and a laundry and have got the Chinese woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their enterprises.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman is constantly complaining about her body, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the necessity of fulfilment the equal division of household chores, how palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn’t raining.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if s_x is in the equation because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey and beating the crap out of each other. But they’re happy because at least the English aren’t having any fun!
