Jokes Post's

[rob43]

Two mates, fred & john, go fishing every morning, and have done for the past twenty years. One morning fred doesn´t turn up. John just can´t believe it, and next day when fred turns up as usual, john asked the reason for his absence the previous morning. “I got married” came the reply. “wow! She must be a real cracker for you to miss a days fishing.” “no not really, she´s as ugly as hell, and makes me vomit!”
“she must be stinking rich then” says john. No she´s not mate, in fact I had to pay off her debts.”
“well what the hell is it about her that makes her worth missing a days fishing?”
“shes got worms!!!!”

 

[rob43]

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. Confused, she says, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
"It's like this," he replied, "yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers 'cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper.

"So, I figure if I have to roll my own so does she."

 

[Channel Hopper]

A little girl goes........


into the pet shop.


"Excuse me Mr. Man have you got a nice fluffy bunny rabbit ?"


The pet shop owner decides to play along with the little girls requests.


"Why, yes little girl we have white ones, black ones, brown ones and even ones with floppy ears" says the man "which one would you like ?"




"I'm sure my pet python wouldn't give a shit" says the little girl.

 

[rob43]

CH that was a cracker.

A man walked into a public toilet where he found two cubicles, of which one
was already occupied. So he entered the other one, closed the door, dropped
his trousers and sat down. A voice came from the cubicle next to him:
"Hello mate, how are you going?" He thought it a bit strange but not
wanting to be rude he replied "Yeah, not too bad thanks." After a short
pause, he heard the voice again: "So, what are you up to mate?" Again he
answered; somewhat reluctantly it must be said. Unsure what to say, he
replied "Umm, I'm just having a quick poo, really. How about yourself?" He
then heard the voice for the third time.....
"Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some dickhead in the loo next to me answering everything I say."

 

[caretaker]

Man to car dealer,"that car you sold me last week,wont go past 80 up our hill". What do you want it to go past 80 up a hill for?"."Because I live at 84.".

 

[Rod Hulls Aerial]

I got a text message the other day which read:

£gewttoi oewie iflew97tr T^*& ewR $£^

$£^%£ t43%£6£6 ETRG ^%y 45 $%Y$6

%$^$^ $Y$%^y4 ^u65uj7^ijyjtYTR yt ytj




Sender: Stevie Wonder

 

[Rod Hulls Aerial]

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy. "She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!"

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tries to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!", said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

 

[Rod Hulls Aerial]

A burglar breaks into this house and he comes into a room with no lights on. He walks into the middle of the room and he suddenly here's this voice "Jesus is watching you" he turns round and in a dark corner of the room he sees a parrot and so he goes across to it. The parrot says again "Jesus is watching you". The burglar looks at the parrot funnily and then asks, "What's your name?" to which the parrot replied "Clarence" The burglar then says, "That's a stupid name for a parrot, which idiot called you that?" The parrot replied, "The same idiot that called the rotweiler JESUS"

 

[Rod Hulls Aerial]

-------------------------------PRESS RELEASE---------------------------------
Halifax Building Society is very pleased to announce that they are installing new "Drive Thru" Cash Dispensers.

To enable customers to gain maximum benefit from this new facility they have conducted intensive behavioural studies to come up with the appropriate procedures for their use.

AS FOLLOWS:

Procedures for MALE customers

1. Drive up to the cash machine
2. Wind down your car window
3. Insert your card into machine and enter PIN
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw
5. Retrieve card, cash, and receipt
6. Wind up window
7. Drive off

Procedures for FEMALE customers

1. Drive up to the cash machine
2. Reverse the required distance to align car window with cash machine
3. Re-start the stalled engine
4. Wind down the window
5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to find card
6. Turn the radio down
7. Attempt to insert card into machine
8. Open car door to allow easier access to cash machine due to its excessive distance from the car
9. Insert card
10. Re-insert card the right way up
11. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN number written on the inside back page
12. Enter PIN
13. Press "cancel", and re-enter correct PIN
14. Enter amount of cash required
15. Check make-up in rear view mirror
16. Retrieve cash and receipt
17. Empty handbag again, to locate purse and place cash inside
18. Place receipt in back of chequebook
19. Re-check make-up
20. Drive forward 2 metres
21. Reverse back to cash machine
22. Retrieve card
23. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into slot provided
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off
25. Drive for 2 to 3 miles
26. Release handbrake.


Thats all for tonight !!!!!

 

[Zorba]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said. “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”

The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

 

[Jaffer]

I got a text message the other day which read:

£gewttoi oewie iflew97tr T^*& ewR $£^

$£^%£ t43%£6£6 ETRG ^%y 45 $%Y$6

%$^$^ $Y$%^y4 ^u65uj7^ijyjtYTR yt ytj




Sender: Stevie Wonder

Stevie Wonder is wondering if you had nice time with Nurse Nancy that evening. How come you could not read it when all of us can read.

Well Aerial, tell us, any thing interesting about Nancy - Of course we understand it will all be backwards. LOL.........

 

[Striker10]

hi all,

A guy is caught doing the rizz with his personal assistant. After much pleading his wife agrees to stand by her man, giving him another chance. Anyway in the office a week later the thermostats broken down so he opens the window to let in some fresh air, the only problem is it's windy and his papers are moving about the place so he call's over his personal assistant to help him. His wife enters " For f**k sake George! I've only been gone for 5 minutes and your screwing the bitch again" to wit he replies " Leave it out woman! I'm only using her as a fu**ing paperweight.

 

[kleefarr]

A college student challenged a senior citizen, saying it was
impossible for their generation to understand his. "You
grew up in a different world," the student said. "Today we have
television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy,
computers..."Taking advantage of a pause in the student's
litany, the geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have those
things when we were young; so we invented them! What are you
doing for the next generation??"

;)

 

[kleefarr]

A travelling salesman, completing a trip earlier than anticipated,
sent his wife a telegram, "Returning home Friday."
Arriving home, he found his wife in bed with another man. Being a
person of non-violence, he complained to his father-in-law, who said, "I'm
sure there must be an explanation."
The next day the father-in-law was all smiles. "I knew there was an
explanation. She didn't get your telegram."

 

[Rod Hulls Aerial]

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better." The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."

 

[caretaker]

Two old men talking. first asked"Hows s_x at 65"? "Not bad", replied the second gent. "But it is a lot better at number 67".

 

[Zorba]

* * * * *
A house wife got tired of being alone everyday since her husband Phil was at work and her 3 daughters were in school, so she decided to get a pet to keep her company. She walks into the local pet store and tells him that she wants a talking parrot. The clerk tells her that they do have 1 talking parrot, but that she wouldn't like him.

''Why not? '' She asks.

''Well, he has been around a bit and has picked up some colourful language, and you did say that you have a family,'' he replied.

''Well, my girls are old enough and they've heard it all. Just let me see him.''

The clerk finally agrees to show the lady the parrot and she insists on purchasing it right away. When she got home she covered the cage with a towel and went to get dinner ready for the family.

When she uncovered the cage, ''Brawkk!'' said the parrot, looking around. ''New place. New Madam. Morning Madam.''

''Uh, morning parrot,'' she said and then went to make breakfast. A few minutes later her daughters game down stairs, dressed and ready for school.

''Brawkk! New place. New Madam. New Girls. Morning Girls.''

''Morning Parrot,'' they replied and went to help their mother get breakfast ready. Soon the man of the house came down unshaven and in his bathrobe.

''Brawkk! New place. New Madam. New Girls. Same old customers. Morning Phil!''

 

[kleefarr]

A man was flying from London Heathrow to Athens. Unexpectedly, the
plane stopped in Rome along the way. The flight attendant
explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted
to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. The
man had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the gentleman was
blind because his guide dog lay quietly underneath the seats in
front of him throughout the entire flight. He could also tell he had
flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him,
and calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Rome for
almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"
The blind man replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to
stretch his legs."

Picture this:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when
they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a guide dog!
The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered in panic.
Not only did they try to change planes, but they also tried to change
airlines!

True story . . . Have a great day and remember . . . things aren't
always as they appear.

 

[rob43]

A Jamaican fireman (don't forget the accent)

A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife'know sumpin, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station.

Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole.
Bell 3 rings -we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go.

From now on, when I says 'Bell one' I want you to strip naked.
When I says 'Bell two', you jump on de bed.
When I says 'Bell tree', we's gonna mek love all tru de night."

The next night he came home and shouted
'Bell One' and she stripped naked.
'Bell Two' and she jumped on the bed.
'Bell Tree', and they started to make love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled out "Bell Four".
"What de hell is 'Bell Four'?"asked her fireman husband.
She replied : "Roll out more hose, man, you aint nowhere near de fire

 

[waverider]

LOL....That's a goodon Rob.....How about this one then!...A poor family sends thier virgin daughter out on the streets to earn money for food...she waits all night in the cold and rain on a street corner until finaly she has a customer ..... who happens to be a Jamaican. They go back to his place and she is shown through the door, as she walks in the house she thinks how can I keep my virginity?....Well the poor girl had not eaten for two days all but drinking a bottle of lemonade!..as she reluctantly walks up the stairs and through the gas of the lemonade she farts!....and thinks "that's it if I fart a lot he may think I am a dirty old Whore!".......And so every other step she does so until she is nearly at the top...and thinks "God this bloke must be a bit deaf....I'm gonna let off a really bigun to make sure he hears".....so grabbing onto the bannister lifts her leg up and lets go of one that Will Young would be proud of!....Keerrrruump!... with that the Jamaican looks up at her and say's " Thats all right honey you keep fartin...cos when you sees what eyes got for you...yous gonna sh*t yourself!"