More Jokes

[kleefarr]

The other night I was invited for a night out with the girls. I told my
husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the
hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home. Just as I got in
the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3
times.
Realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9
times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict
with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told
him midnight. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that
one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock
cuckooed! Three times, then said, "Oh shit!!," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and then farted.

 

[waverider]

The local nutter whom suffered from unpredictable spasmodic fits caused by flashing lights goes to the Saturday night village disco. To his surprise he wins 1st prize in the dancing competition!.....The DJ who's now interviewing and awarding the prize to the nutter on the stage ask's him "Well mate some really fast unusual interesting moves you have there....whats your secret then?".....The nutter replies "None really.......I only got up from my chair to buy a packet of crisp's!"

 

[caretaker]

This fellow bought a matrix receicer........oh sorry wrong joke; This fellow bought a car and asked the retailer to deliver it. When it arrived the chap said Hey this car has no floor in it. Well said the dealer you did say you wanted something to run around in..

 

[Stevieb7]

The scene is set, a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering, stars twinkling in the dark sky. Three hang-glider pilots sitting by the campfire, one from Australia, one from South Africa and one from New Zealand. Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous. The night of tales begins...

Kiven the Kiwi says, "I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es. Why, jist the other day I linded in a field end scared a crocodile, who came out of the swamp end ate sux men who were standen close
by. I grebbed the crocodile end wristled him to du ground end kulled em with my bare hends".

Jerry from South Africa who typically can't stand to be bettered said, "Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a
move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet its head off ind then sucked the poison from its body down in one gulp. End I'm still here today.

Bazza, the Aussie, remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.

 

[kleefarr]

Mr Honda meets god.


Mr Honda, of the Honda Motor Corporation, died and went to heaven for judgement. At the gates, St. Peter told Mr Honda, "since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Mr Honda thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God. I have a question for Him".
St. Peter took Mr Honda to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
He then asked God, "Aren't you the inventor of women?"
God Said, "Ah, yes. Indeed I am".
"Well," said Mr Honda, "Professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your design."
1- There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2- It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3- Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4- The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5- Plus the monthly down time and aggravation are outrageous, and don't even get me started talking about the maintenance costs.
"Hmmmm, you do raise some good points" replied God, "Lets have a little look."
God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few things and waited for the results. After a moment God said, "Well, it may be true that my invention seems to be flawed, but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.."

 

[kleefarr]

There was an Englishman, a Frenchman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a train carriage going through Provence. Suddenly, the train went through a tunnel and, being one of the older-style trains with no carriage lighting, it went completely dark.

Then there was a kissing sound, followed by the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had a nasty red slap mark on his face.

The Frenchman was thinking "The English fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead."

Claudia Schiffer was thinking "The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the English fella and got slapped for it".

The English fella was thinking: "This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel, I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French w@nker again"